A Letter To Dad In Heaven

IN MEMORY OF MY APPA…. 

Dear Pa,

Losing our parent at any age is the terriblest thing.

It’s been a complete four year since you were gone. Huh! It was a horror call on that night! I still remember the night when amma called me up around 1:30 am and screamed in her shaky voice, “mani appa’kku cardiac arrest, pulse down, hospital ah admit pannirukkom, chances are very less to survive, romba critical’nu soldraanga doctors and he lost his consciousness also completely”.. I was terribly frozen on hearing this, almost I had a mini cardiac arrest, It took me sometime to take my breathe and feel alive..(even now it is as fresh as today in my memory, horrible!).. I couldn’t even believe that because just couple of hours before only he talked to me over phone, laughed at me and asked me, “how about the rain there? Are you safe? what you ate for dinner?”.., sadly these are the few words I heard from him for the laaast time that I was never aware of then…and all happened within awhile like a nightmare in a short few hours. It was brutally hard to realize and accept the reality that you were gone. Sometimes I still wake up in the morning thinking this is a nightmare and you’re not really gone. As a matured woman, I know that is true, but I still miss you terribly pa.

When you died my grief became so suffocating on several occasions.

Your death has been a mysterious doorway with so much painful grieving for me. Heartache that I never knew was possible. Sometimes it is gut-wrenching pain. For my entire existence we spoke every single day, even when I was away during college, work, business and all occasion. That’s 32 years of being a pampered girl of yours, 32 years of feeling safe and protected, 32 years of happy-go-lucky life with so much memories, 32 years of pure, unconditional love. And now just like that you had gone. It was difficult to overcome every situation without you. The people who I thought were going to be my anchors quickly became the holes in my lifeboat. Complete, utter disappointments. Anything else seemed cruel and disastrous. I made some very strange decisions and acted against nature for much of that time. One of the greatest lessons you taught me is to quiet a fool with silence. Unfortunately death brings out quite a few fools. Then, everything changed. I changed. I somehow took 20 steps backwards and 30 steps forward. As crazy as it sounds, I actually became a stronger, better me,and someone you would actually be proud of, pa. It’s terrible to lead without you, but grown as a person as a woman.

But you prepared me for this.

Of course, every dad is a hero to his daughter but the thing is, the role he plays differs person to person based on their qualities as if we call it a car in general, the quality of the car indeed differs according to the brand.. you were a typical dad is not just words or no exaggeration at all.. you soundlessly made your marks as a nice human being by living in reality..u had been a strong back up for me in so many occasions…been holding the rope from my behind whenever I took some wrong turns in my life ever after your continuous alerts about the pitfalls. You were the best friend for me, for us, a very liberal man and a loving dad, who raised us well from teaching me how to walk, how to value our co-humans, how to be strong during toughest times and all the moral values. You were a cycle breaker. You showed me ways to stand on my own two feet. You gave us a freedom to be our own with a guidance of how to use it properly for good. Not even a single moment you depended on us that I remember because you would never wish to let you burden others for any sake even when you were sick and that I always admired in you and try my best to live so. A dad’s job is not only to protect his daughter, but also to show her how to defend herself when, one day, he is not around. 

You were the biggest influence in my life.

I imagine a scenario where you’re present and sharing in the happy moments. You’ve left people with a lot of good memories of you. Wherever I go, They always mention how you made them feel cared, smiled, always listened, how you always helped whoever you could with whatever you could. Some say I look like you, talk like you, have a positive attitude like you and so on. It gives me a feeling of warmth inside to hear these words about you and inspires me to be the kind of daughter you’d be proud of. I’m finally at peace with myself because I know it’s you always sending me love from above and love never dies. I can also see my father, my superhero, the strongest man in the world and my best friend through the way you lived your life as a good human being. Even though I can no longer hear your voice, I still feel your love and the memories you have left with us. You’re still with me, in my laughter, my smile, my tears and in my writing. But slowly bad things faded away as I started cherishing good memories and become strong with my positive approach towards life which I learned from you.Thank you, pa. I just wished to share our memories here. Thank you for the memories. Thank you for your selfless love, care and support. 

I miss you pa now and always. 

Love Always,
Manimozhi.